Tragedy and Perspective

Typically, when things go terribly wrong and there is no divine intervention to avert a tragedy, those affected will lose faith and question the very existence of a loving Heavenly Father.  But paradoxically, there are individuals, though severely tried in the face of absolute disaster, whose faith actually seems to increase.  Such was the case with my father, his mother, and his grandfather.

My father on the right & his siblings

My dad was only three when his father died of typhoid fever, leaving my grandmother with four children, the oldest was 6-years of age.  My grandmother would bravely carry on, preserving the memory of her husband while providing for her family and striving to raise them with testimonies of the restored gospel and to trust in a loving Heavenly Father. My father was 16 when she died in the Spanish influenza epidemic of 1919-20.  I remember my father at age 96 crying as he told me how sick he was at that time, and how he prayed that he would die and his mother would be spared so she could continue caring for his siblings.  Even after 80 years, he was overcome with grieve as he related the story and how difficult it was as a teenager to face life without either parent.

I have wondered how it was that my father and his siblings were able to maintain their belief and trust in a loving God after experiencing such a loss while still in their formative years.  Somehow the testimony that had been planted by their mother was able to take root and survive.  My earliest memories of my father occurred when he was approaching 50-years of age (more than three decades after the passing of his mother), but I knew that my father's faith was unshakable, and without question we would kneel in family prayer morning and night to offer thanks and implore divine assistance.

Clara Evans Goates and children

I suppose, however, my father's response was expected when considering who his mother, Clara Evans, was and how she would respond to the tribulation in her life.  Her father died when Clara was only 6, and she helped care for her mother during a long and lingering illness, from which she would pass away when Clara was 21.  One year later, Clara would marry a handsome return missionary named Joseph Goates.  They would be blessed with 4 children, but their happiness would be short lived and turn to tragedy when after only seven years of marriage, Joseph died of typhoid fever.  Despite the setbacks and heartbreak, Clara would instill a love of and trust in God that would see her orphaned teenage children through the challenges and calamities of their own lives.  Among other things, she made my father promise as a young boy that he would not swear, nor break the word of wisdom, nor break the law of chastity.  It is amazing what she was able to do by the time my father was 16 and how her influence would bless my life.  She was resilient and faithful in the face of adversity, and was able to convey that to her children.

The Haun's Mill Massacre

It is Clara's father, however, whose ability to carry on and trust God after enduring possibly the worst catastrophe in Mormon history that is almost beyond my ability to comprehend or understand.  David Evans had only been a member of the Church for five years when he settled at Haun's Mill, Missouri.  He was the leader among those at Haun's Mill who signed the truce agreement with their neighbors, stating that independent of what would occur elsewhere, they would not resort to physical violence.  Two days later, David saw a mob of 200 approach as he was in his field and tried to wave them down with his hat as they rode by into the settlement to shoot and kill 17 men and boys, and wound several others.  It was to David Evan's home that many of the wounded were taken to attend to their injuries.  

 

David Evans

This was not some academic exercise or imaginary situation.  His close friends and fellow members of their small congregation were killed, wounded, and driven from their homes; and they looked to David Evans as their leader.  I have often wondered what would I do in the face of such a holocaust?  How is one able to maintain their faith and trust in God when the ultimate sacrifice is being made and the Lord allows evil to prevail without intervening?  How is one able to kneel before the Lord following such a calamity?  To continue trusting God in the midst of such trials requires incredible faith, sufficient in fact, to pulverize reason.

I do not understand how my great-grandfather, David Evans, was able to pick himself up and keep his faith; but I believe he was the precursor who would in large measure determine the reactions and perspectives his daughter Clara and grandson Lorin would have when confronted with disasters.  And correspondingly, their response to tragedy would help mold and explain my own.

Wayne & Kristie

I have pondered my own perspective while experiencing the heartbreak of my wife suffering with early onset Alzheimer's.  While not as momentous as the trials of my forbearers, nevertheless I grieve for this remarkable woman whose eternal happiness and possibilities are forever and inexorably intertwined with my own.  Her care takes a heavy toll in terms of time, money, and emotions; but rather than making me question God's existence or His love, this calamity is having almost the opposite effect on me.  I am struck with the concept that our Heavenly Father loves us and would not do anything that would not be for our development and welfare; because He desires to reward us as fully as we are capable to receive His love and blessings.  Somehow I have a reassurance that if Kristie and I are faithful, our love, joy, and eternal union will only be enhanced; and therefore dealing with Alzheimer's will merely be a small price for what we will receive and become.  I credit my progenitors for this perspective - which they developed and demonstrated through the tragedies in their lives.

The Hazards and Pitfalls of Lightning Fever

Episode 1 - Look Out

High on a Mountain Top

I write this with some trepidation because it is so personal, but do so in the hope that others may benefit and avoid the hazards and pitfalls of lightning fever.  Let me start by saying the LDS hymn "High on a Mountain Top" has special significance for my wife (Kristie) and me because we began our married life living in a 13 x 13 foot fire lookout tower that was 30 feet up in the air on top of Fall Mt. in the Malheur National Forest of Eastern Oregon.  As you can imagine, a U.S. Forest Service lookout is a rather ideal and romantic location for newlyweds.

This was my fifth summer working on a lookout and without question was the best job I have ever had.  Spotting forest fires is a very competitive business.  You are paid to quickly and accurately report all fires so they may be extinguished before spreading and causing major damage.  The last thing you want to happen is for another lookout to report a fire in your area.  It is extremely embarrassing when a lookout that is 25 to 30 miles away radios in to report a smoke that is less than 15 miles from your lookout. 

 

Fall Mt. Lookout

Using an Osborne Firefinder

I took a lot of pride in my work and even though Fall Mt. was located on one of the lower peaks, I reported more fires than any of the other eight lookouts on the Malheur National Forest during both of the two previous summers.  Each day I would review to make certain I knew my country (everything within 30 miles that I could see), practice the steps to report a fire, and make my observations for fires every 10 to 15 minutes.  I was excited to teach all of this to Kristie because I thought we could be twice as effective with two sets of eyes, and possibly cut in half the time required to fill out and report a fire.  

Life was really good.  Here I was gainfully employed, performing valuable service, and able to be with this remarkably beautiful woman who actually seemed to like me.  It was almost perfect - until the first lightning storm.

    

Kristie

 I realize now that our first thunder storm together on the lookout was very disconcerting for Kristie.  It wasn't, however, the lightning and booming thunder, or even all the sparks that were flying around the lookout when it was struck by lightning; but rather her husband's behavior that was so disturbing.  Prior to the storm she felt that she was the top priority in my life.  But my total obsession with finding fires for 4 or 5 hours to the exclusion of everything else, including her and her feelings was anything but reassuring to her of my love.  The worst of it was when I spotted the first fire and she did not respond in a split second to help me make out the report in record time.  I don't believe I was rude, but it was clear that I had a job to do and Kristie was only in the way.  To her, I was a man possessed who would sacrifice her to accomplish the task at hand.  Unfortunately, this would not be the only fire or thunder storm that summer where I would become manic and she felt abandon.  Kristie actually named the behavior.  She called it - lightning fever.  

Episode 2 - Chasing Money

Five years later we moved to Albany, Oregon, where I had been hired as a math/computer teacher.  The good news is they rarely have any lightning storms in the Willamette Valley, but the bad news was we were always running out of money.  To help make ends meet, Kristie began working a night shift at a cannery, and later found part-time work at a friend's fast food restaurant.

The early 1980's were the golden age for microcomputer programmers.  Small businesses were anxious to move their billing, inventory, payroll, mailings, and other processes to inexpensive microcomputers, but there were no pre-existing programs and spreadsheets weren't even available.  Soon I found myself in demand to write medical billing, school attendance, business inventory, and cooperative library development software.  So in addition to teaching full-time, I did computer consulting on the side; often starting my day at school with a 6:45 a.m. zero period and teaching every period until noon, then coming home to get a lunch that I would eat as I drove to Salem to do computer consulting until 9:30 or 10 p.m. in the evening.  It didn't help that I also had to take graduate courses to maintain my teaching certification and was serving as the Elders Quorum president in our LDS ward, which also kept me busy, particularly on weekends.

I thought the best thing that I could do for Kristie and our daughters was to improve our financial situation so we weren't constantly broke; and to save Kristie from having to do menial work.  I was actually quite successful as a computer consultant and thought we were finally getting somewhere; but I was gone so much and so carried away with success that I was only slightly aware of Kristie's growing depression.  I didn't realize at the time that more than wealth what she really wanted and needed was me and my attention; because I was chasing money.

Episode 3 - The First Apparition - The Voices of Other Women 

Our old hysteric house on July 4th

It is easy to get caught in the strong currents and undertows of life.  I was carried away with the success of being a school district administrator, computer consultant, and serving 10 to 15 hours a week in an LDS bishopric.  (The LDS church has a lay ministry so members of a bishopric, in additional to their regular employment, are the unpaid ministers for a congregation of approximately 500-600 .)  And just to make life a bit more interesting, Kristie and I had jointly purchased an old historic house which we shared with Kristie's parents in an effort to provide support for her father who was in the final stages of early onset Alzheimer's.  It really would have been more accurate to call our home an old hysteric house because of all the problems related to Alzheimer's and living in a multi-generational situation.

Kristie's parents

The effects of lightning fever, my chasing money, and sexual abuse as a child were washing over Kristie.  It became too much when her father in a demented fit attacked and threatened her life; so she began counseling.  She was carried away in a stream of anger that was directed at her parents, God, church, and her often absentee husband.  She had good cause to be angry with me because if lightning fever and chasing money were not enough, she now often found me supporting her mother's side when they were in a tug of war.   Our daughters considered Kristie's anger as an improvement over the lethargy of depression, but they were fortunate because her anger was not directed at them.

Kristie and her mother, Marjorie

I am taken aback in retrospect, considering how much we were struggling emotionally as a couple and family at the time, that I would be called to serve as an LDS bishop.  It really didn't make sense, but ultimately that calling may actually be one of the things that helped save our marriage.  As bishop, I spent many hours listening to the concerns and problems of others; particularly women who were extremely frustrated with their husbands who were often inconsiderate, condescending, and emotionally absent.  I remember distinctly thinking, "Oh, I wonder if that is what Kristie is feeling about me?"  Somehow I could hear from other woman who were talking about their husbands, what I couldn't hear from my own wife.  I vowed that I would take steps so Kristie would never have cause to speak about me in the same manner as the distraught women in our congregation were speaking about their husbands.  It was almost like a ghost (similar to the Spirit of Christmas Past in Charles Dickens's "A Christmas Carol") was revealing to me in a new light how I had not valued the pearl of great price in my own life - Kristie.

Episode 4 - The Second Apparition - The Legion Blessing

Kristie was crushed emotionally in the summer of 1990 when the police pulled her over and issued a ticket because the pickup license had expired a day and a half before.  It didn't help that she was driving with an expired drivers license.  In the despair that would follow, she requested a blessing - during which I felt or experienced some of the overwhelming depression and hopelessness with which she was struggling.  I distinctly remember feeling incredible darkness and that there were legions working to oppose Kristie's happiness and thwart any feelings of hope.  I am not certain my blessing was inspirational to Kristie, but it was very revealing to me.  Now I had some understanding, empathy, and compassion for her suffering.  I knew she really was doing the best she could, and her overwhelming despondency was real.

Episode 5 - The Third Apparition - Messages in the Night

The emotional cost and strain under which we were laboring while helping care for Kristie's father and while I was bishop were immense.  I remember many sleepless nights.  It was during one of those wakeful nights, shortly after being called as bishop that I recall distinctly receiving the impression that I could do this because "my mother had groomed me to be a bishop."  I redoubled my efforts as bishop and gave it my all.  It was like lightning fever all over again.

It was a couple years later, after experiencing the first two apparitions above, that the final and most significant transpired.  Again, in the middle of the night while being unable to sleep and wrestling with discouragement, I was reflecting on the impression that my mother (who passed away the year before) had groomed me to be a bishop.  But this time it was different and stronger, like my mother was actually there to correct me.  "I didn't groom you to be a bishop.  I groomed you to shepherd your family back to the Celestial Kingdom."  It wasn't just a feeling.  It came in complete sentences, in those very words.  It may seem like a small thing, but the power of that communication cannot be under estimated in changing my attitude and commitment toward my wife and daughters.  I may be a very slow learner, but my ability to achieve is fairly good when I understand the priorities and direction to go.  I needed to focus on Kristie independent of the other storms and any lightning that may be striking, no matter how close by.

Episode 6 - Leaving the Ninety and Nine

Shortly after the incident above, there came an opportunity to test my understanding and priorities.  Kristie awoke early on a Sunday morning feeling very despondent.  We talked and I listened to her concerns for an hour and a half, but it didn't seem to help alleviate her anxiety.  I remember asking how I could help her.  Kristie said she wanted time with me.  I had a full day of Sunday meetings and appointments already scheduled, dealing with the concerns and business of our LDS ward, but this time it was different.  I realized that there would always be fires, lightning, and critical matters requiring my attention; but they should be secondary to my wife.  I called my counselor in the bishopric and explained that something had come up in our family and I would not be able to attend church; and would he please take charge and excuse my absence.

In the Columbia Gorge years later

I asked Kristie what she wanted to do and then offered some suggestions.  She choose to go to the Columbia Gorge.  I believe our daughters were the most surprised when I told them we would not be going to church today and they should get ready for a family day trip.  While I took my calling as bishop very seriously, I believe the Lord will forgive me for focusing on the needs of my helpmate.  At least now Kristie knew that she was my priority, and more importantly, so did I.

 

Epilog - The Alzheimer's Window

Dealing with Alzheimer's

I cannot say that Kristie's outlook or that everything in our relationship changed immediately, but slowly and surely the bond and trust between us grew.  This proved to be a great blessing, particularly when early onset Alzheimer's would rear its ugly head more than a decade later.  By that time, however, Kristie knew she could trust me and that I would always place her well-being first.

One of the unique things about Alzheimer's is how a trusted spouse becomes the afflicted person's window to the world as they are no longer able to navigate through life.  I marvel at how trusting Kristie has been of me as her Alzheimer's progressed.  I often wonder if I am as trusting of the Lord as she is with me.

Hopefully, I have learned that while it is important to be task oriented and get ahead in the world, the building and maintenance of key, eternal relationships are of far greater importance.  It's a hard lesson to learn, and was among the last things the Savior taught his Apostles as he challenged Peter to choose between his career fishing and being an Apostle with, "lovest thou me more than these?" (John 21:15)