Responding to Church Callings

The Precedent

One of the oft-repeated stories from my parents was regarding the events and situation surrounding Lorin being called to serve as a bishop.  He was promoted from a foreman to an assistant-superintendent of the Amalgamated Sugar factory in Nyssa, Oregon, and made the comment to Lucile that he knew he would be watched with all the new responsibilities at work, and therefore was considering whether to ask to be released from all church responsibilities other than home teaching for one year so he could concentrate on doing his best in his new position.  It was only a day or two later that the stake president called to meet with Lorin and Lucile to extend the call for him to be the bishop of the Parma Ward.  Without question it was a sacrifice, but they responded with faith.  

Bishop Lorin Goates with his counselors

This all occurred shortly before the beginning of the sugar campaign with the required rotating shifts, in addition to the annual end of year church tithing settlement.  Evidently, there were problems with the ward financial records which added significantly to the stress and load upon father.  With the pressure and stress of it all he had trouble sleeping which started to affect his health.  Nevertheless, he saw it through and I believe distinguished himself both at work and with the ward.

I was only eleven when father was called as a bishop, but I remember how busy he was and that as a family we were required to pick up the slack, particularly with milking the cows.  Lucile and Norma often helped with the outside chores when I was young.  As a young teenager I remember working many Saturdays with Olen Mower, who father hired, to clean out the corrals and barnyard in the spring.  We worked for hours scooping the mature by pitchfork into a spreader and then spreading it in the fields.  When I was sixteen, my father was released and all of a sudden, he was home on most Saturdays and there was no need to hire Olen any more because father and I could do the work together.  The influence of this story regarding my father being called to be bishop and how my parents would respond established a precedent and pattern for how their descendants would respond to church callings. 

  A Calling for Time and All Eternity

For time & all eternity

It is noteworthy that Kristie and I would first meet while we were waiting for our appointment with Bishop Nance, where he would call us to be BYU family home evening group parents.  That call brought us together and would change our lives forever.  What is so unusual and important to understand about our calling was what happened (or maybe it would be more accurate to say what didn't happen) at the end of the school year.  They never released Kristie and me from being family parents - hence our marriage in the Salt Lake Temple.

No Small Miracle

It was while signing the annual ward Christmas cards during the pre-Christmas bishopric party that Bishop Gene Chidester announced he had accepted a job in Utah and their family would be moving by the end of the month.  Talk about throwing cold water on the party, it soon felt like we were at a funeral.  A couple weeks later the stake presidency interviewed most of the active priesthood holders in the ward.  I distinctly remember driving out of the parking lot following my interview, knowing that I would not be someone they would consider.  After all, my father-in-law was lying bedfast in our living room in the last stages of Alzheimer's, Kristie had just begun counseling, and we were already overwhelmed as a family with multiple issues relating to our circumstances.  I had been very open and frank about our situation, and suggested others who would be excellent as bishop.

Being called as bishop was the least of my worries, because to say things were not good at home would be an vast understatement.  The stress and discord in our home was horrible.  As I remember the current culminating event, a family member was coming to visit for the holidays and invited a roommate along without first asking permission, at least Kristie and I were never asked.  This was after we had previously establish a rule that Marjorie, Kristie, and I all need to be aware and give our permission prior to accepting company.  Kristie was furious when she found out they were on their way without being informed and let her mother know of her displeasure in no uncertain terms.  You could say it was like pouring gasoline on a fire when I apologized to Kristie's mother for Kristie's reaction.  When Kristie became aware of my faux pas; well, it was the final straw.  I remember she left very angry with me that Saturday about noon, taking our daughters with her, and I knew we would not be on speaking terms for at least two weeks, after which there was a slight chance that if I didn't do anything else stupid, we would again establish some lines of communication.  Actually, only two weeks without talking was being optimistic.

I believe Kristie, Bryn, and Bree had been gone for about two hours when the phone rang and President Wayne Suggs asked if the stake presidency could talk with Kristie and me about 6:30 p.m. that evening (which as approximately 3 1/2 hours away).  I explained that Kristie was gone, but we would try to make it.  I don't remember whether I worried more about Kristie not getting back in time, or that she would get back, knowing that we were not even talking.  Kristie and our daughters arrived home about two hours later.  I still marvel at the events that were about to unfold.

A miracle before the call

When I told Kristie that the stake presidency wanted to meet with us at the church in an hour and a half, she responded with, "Well, if that is the case then we better get things resolved now."  With that, we walked down to Marjorie's room and knocked on her door.  While I was present and participated in our discussion, I still am not certain exactly what was said or what happened, but I remember that a half-hour later Kristie and I walked out, and miracle of all miracles, we were on speaking terms.  To this day, I consider this remarkable change as almost unbelievable.  To be perfectly honest, I do not think there is anything which I could have said or any apology that I could have made which would have have had the same effect in such a short time period.  And after that, there was no way I could refuse to accept the call to be a bishop because of what I had just witnessed.  It was no small miracle.

I wish I could say that the call to be a bishop immediately ended the ongoing problems which existed in our home, and between Kristie and me.  It did not, but the Lord did bless us, and through that calling and "sad experience" we did learn and grow to trust and love one another.

Branching Out

Beware of what you recommend for others, lest it should fall upon you.  While serving on the stake high council during the spring of 1998, I became both aware of and concerned about how Nels Iverson had served as the Jefferson branch president for eight years, often carrying the load almost by himself.  I'm not certain why he confided in me, but Nels called, and after we had a chance to meet and talk, I penned a letter to the newly called stake presidency informing them of the situation and suggesting they call someone else from outside the branch to provide some much needed and deserved relief to President Iverson.  To be honest, I thought or at least hoped that they would call the just released stake president and his wife, who would be an excellent choice.  Well, nothing came from my letter; at least no immediate action was taken.

Eighteen months later, I received a call that the stake presidency wanted to talk with me and Kristie.  It turns out that they would call me to be the Jefferson branch president, but possibly more significant were events related to Kristie and her attitude when this call was issued.

To explain, I believe it is helpful to acknowledge that real life can get messy.  Certainly family life can be difficult and awkward at times; and so can serving in the church.  All one has to do is read Genesis or 1st Nephi to observe how complicated and at odds things can be within good families; and church families are not always that different.  Kristie was serving in the stake Young Women's presidency who met with the new stake presidency on Wednesday evening to resign because of ongoing issues where they were not respected or allowed to serve in their callings.  The very next night, Kristie and I met with the stake presidency and they issued the call for me to serve as the Jefferson branch president.  When Kristie was asked how she felt about the calling, she didn't mince words and said she had questions regarding them (the stake presidency), but not regarding me and the call that was being issued.  I must give Kristie high marks for honesty and the faith to go forward when everything isn't just picture perfect and wonderful.

I am surprised at how I wrote my letter of concern regarding Jefferson Branch without any idea of the consequences it would eventually have on our family.  I am even more surprised at how Kristie could resign with her co-workers the night before, and then be willing to support my new calling the next night.  But most of all, I am surprise at how this calling would change and be such a blessing to our immediate and extended family.

The Jeffersonian Period

Initially, I started serving alone, without other members of my family.  Kristie was teaching Relief Society, one of her favorite callings, and loved her visiting teaching to and from Linda Dunmire - they would go to lunch each month.  I was fortunate that some new families had moved into Jefferson and I had excellent counselors.  Eventually, Kristie came, then Bree a year later while waiting for her mission call from the Jefferson branch, followed by Bryn, Marta, and Lisa (Kristie's sisters).  Every member of our family loved and served faithfully in the small branch.  The members in Jefferson were wonderful and very kind to us.  Five and a half years later, when I was released, it was very questionable who benefitted more from our serving in Jefferson - the branch or our family.  I refer to this time as the Jeffersonian Period for our family, which turned out to a time of remarkable growth for every member of our family who served in Jefferson.

A Patch Job

A few years after being released from serving in the Jefferson Branch, Elder Gerald N. Lund, a member of the Seventy and prolific LDS author, along with a brother Perry came to the Lebanon Oregon Stake to call a new stake presidency.  It is always interesting and amazing how  this all takes place over a weekend, and to me is one of the primary evidences of modern revelation.  There was the typical brief 3 or 4 minute interviews Saturday morning, followed by a phone call for Kristie and me to meet with them prior to the afternoon leadership meeting.  What is interesting about this particular call is who would be issuing it and his ability to understand our situation.

An Exelon Day

They had been inspired to call a remarkable new stake president and spoke with us about our situation and whether it would be appropriate to extend a call to be a counselor.  At this point Kristie had been diagnosed almost two year before with Alzheimer's and was told that she should no longer drive (which wasn't an issue since she had lost almost all sense of direction and could not even get to the church by herself).  I shared with them our circumstances, Kristie's ongoing dependency on me, and how she was on the new Exelon patches in an attempt to maintain her already limited abilities for as long as possible.  Brother Lund then informed us that his wife had also been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and had started on the new Exelon patches.  At that time his wife was still able to drive the 5-minutes to their children's home, so she was not as limited as Kristie.  Brother Perry then made the statement, "Now we know why Elder Lund was assigned to Lebanon, Oregon."  I find it very remarkable, and feel it was a tender mercy of the Lord that of all the general authorities, Elder Lund, whose wife was also wearing Exelon patches, would be the one talking with us.  He certainly could understand our situation better than any other general authority.  Six months later in October General Conference, Elder Lund would be released one year before he turned 70, which is the normal age for being released.  I do not know if his release was related to his wife's situation, but I certainly would understand if it was.  What I do know is that Elder Lund understood our situation - causing me to marvel and be grateful that he was sent to reorganize our stake.  

The Heroin Influence in our Family

It is stunning and revealing to consider the heroin influence in the lives of both my father and my father-in-law.  The powerful impact of heroin on Lorin Wayne Goates, George Edgar Neilson, and their descendents cannot be underestimated.   

The idea or suggestion, however, that heroin had any effect on Lorin Goates or George Neilson should be very disturbing to anyone who knew them.  But almost as troubling is the fact that more recognition is not given to the "heroine" in each of their lives who almost single handedly and against incredible odds instilled a testimony of the gospel and preserved temple covenants for them and future generations. 

Without question, their mothers, Clara Evans Goates and Ester Luella Stephenson Neilson, are heroines deserving of recognition and incredible appreciation from their posterity, and especially their descendents who value the restored gospel.  It is hard to believe that anyone would envy Clara's or Ester's lives or the situations they faced, which were filled with incredible tragedy and hardships.  

Clara and her children about 1914

Clara Evan Goates was only 29 years of age in 1906 when her husband of seven years, Joseph, tragically died from typhoid fever, leaving her with four children, the oldest only 6 and the youngest about 8 months old.  She was left to be a single parent and the sole provider for her young family.  No doubt the stress of having to work and always being concerned about her children at home took a heavy toll.  Father told the story of him and his twin brother luring a chicken into the house while their mother was at work, and then chasing it all around until they were able to catch and kill it.  I can only imagine the frustration and despair Clara must have experienced when she came home to a house full of feathers and who knows what else.  She was doing the best she could, but no doubt felt at times it all was too much and she was failing.  There was no way she could know the incredible influence she would have for good on her children and future generations.  It was stunning to me when in my mid-forties I discovered how she had directly affected my life for good, as I explain in my posting about Clara's influence on me.

Esther and her son George

Ester Luella Stephenson Neilson's situation was different, but no less difficult.  She did have the advantage of having a husband to provide for the family, but his licentious and drunken behavior in his later years makes one wonder how any of his children were able to be faithful to the gospel or lead even semi-responsible lives.  This is not the forum to disclose and discuss family secrets related to Ester's husband, but being aware of his dissolute father, I once asked my father-in-law while camping out under the stars, how it was that he chose to be a good person and so committed to the gospel.  He did not hesitate a second, but simply said it was because of his mother, Esther.  

George & Marjorie

It wasn't Esther's lot to bring up her children on her own, however she had the unenviable task of having to overcome the bad example and influence of their father.  That is not to say that he did not have positive qualities, but fortunately because of Esther, their children did not follow in their father's debauched ways.  And not only did she have to surmount her husband's bad example, but Esther was also required to suffer for years with the nightmare of Alzheimer's.  It is difficult, if not impossible to believe that anyone would want her life and the trials she endured.  And yet, there are dozens of her posterity who have served missions, married in the temple, and strive with all their might to be faithful to the gospel.  It is very questionable whether any of her descendants would enjoy these blessings without her valiancy and godly influence.

The heroine influence

I marvel at the remarkable individuals and the families who are descended from these two extraordinay women, and I recognize that without the saintly influence of Clara and Esther, our lives would be missing the eternal blessings and covenants we value most.  Truly, Clara Evans Goates and Ester Luella Stephenson Neilson are heroines whose influence for good permeates our lives.






Post Apology - a part of me is sorry for resorting to yellow journalism to draw attention to Clara and Esther.  It certainly is not my intent to impugn them or to leave the reader with any suggestion of drug involvement by family members who have proceeded us.  Quite to the contrary, my intent was to draw attention to how beneficial and significant their lives and contributions have been to their posterity.  I am sorry if my attempt and use of sensationalism has left a bad impression or taste in anyone's mouth.

Tragedy and Perspective

Typically, when things go terribly wrong and there is no divine intervention to avert a tragedy, those affected will lose faith and question the very existence of a loving Heavenly Father.  But paradoxically, there are individuals, though severely tried in the face of absolute disaster, whose faith actually seems to increase.  Such was the case with my father, his mother, and his grandfather.

My father on the right & his siblings

My dad was only three when his father died of typhoid fever, leaving my grandmother with four children, the oldest was 6-years of age.  My grandmother would bravely carry on, preserving the memory of her husband while providing for her family and striving to raise them with testimonies of the restored gospel and to trust in a loving Heavenly Father. My father was 16 when she died in the Spanish influenza epidemic of 1919-20.  I remember my father at age 96 crying as he told me how sick he was at that time, and how he prayed that he would die and his mother would be spared so she could continue caring for his siblings.  Even after 80 years, he was overcome with grieve as he related the story and how difficult it was as a teenager to face life without either parent.

I have wondered how it was that my father and his siblings were able to maintain their belief and trust in a loving God after experiencing such a loss while still in their formative years.  Somehow the testimony that had been planted by their mother was able to take root and survive.  My earliest memories of my father occurred when he was approaching 50-years of age (more than three decades after the passing of his mother), but I knew that my father's faith was unshakable, and without question we would kneel in family prayer morning and night to offer thanks and implore divine assistance.

Clara Evans Goates and children

I suppose, however, my father's response was expected when considering who his mother, Clara Evans, was and how she would respond to the tribulation in her life.  Her father died when Clara was only 6, and she helped care for her mother during a long and lingering illness, from which she would pass away when Clara was 21.  One year later, Clara would marry a handsome return missionary named Joseph Goates.  They would be blessed with 4 children, but their happiness would be short lived and turn to tragedy when after only seven years of marriage, Joseph died of typhoid fever.  Despite the setbacks and heartbreak, Clara would instill a love of and trust in God that would see her orphaned teenage children through the challenges and calamities of their own lives.  Among other things, she made my father promise as a young boy that he would not swear, nor break the word of wisdom, nor break the law of chastity.  It is amazing what she was able to do by the time my father was 16 and how her influence would bless my life.  She was resilient and faithful in the face of adversity, and was able to convey that to her children.

The Haun's Mill Massacre

It is Clara's father, however, whose ability to carry on and trust God after enduring possibly the worst catastrophe in Mormon history that is almost beyond my ability to comprehend or understand.  David Evans had only been a member of the Church for five years when he settled at Haun's Mill, Missouri.  He was the leader among those at Haun's Mill who signed the truce agreement with their neighbors, stating that independent of what would occur elsewhere, they would not resort to physical violence.  Two days later, David saw a mob of 200 approach as he was in his field and tried to wave them down with his hat as they rode by into the settlement to shoot and kill 17 men and boys, and wound several others.  It was to David Evan's home that many of the wounded were taken to attend to their injuries.  

 

David Evans

This was not some academic exercise or imaginary situation.  His close friends and fellow members of their small congregation were killed, wounded, and driven from their homes; and they looked to David Evans as their leader.  I have often wondered what would I do in the face of such a holocaust?  How is one able to maintain their faith and trust in God when the ultimate sacrifice is being made and the Lord allows evil to prevail without intervening?  How is one able to kneel before the Lord following such a calamity?  To continue trusting God in the midst of such trials requires incredible faith, sufficient in fact, to pulverize reason.

I do not understand how my great-grandfather, David Evans, was able to pick himself up and keep his faith; but I believe he was the precursor who would in large measure determine the reactions and perspectives his daughter Clara and grandson Lorin would have when confronted with disasters.  And correspondingly, their response to tragedy would help mold and explain my own.

Wayne & Kristie

I have pondered my own perspective while experiencing the heartbreak of my wife suffering with early onset Alzheimer's.  While not as momentous as the trials of my forbearers, nevertheless I grieve for this remarkable woman whose eternal happiness and possibilities are forever and inexorably intertwined with my own.  Her care takes a heavy toll in terms of time, money, and emotions; but rather than making me question God's existence or His love, this calamity is having almost the opposite effect on me.  I am struck with the concept that our Heavenly Father loves us and would not do anything that would not be for our development and welfare; because He desires to reward us as fully as we are capable to receive His love and blessings.  Somehow I have a reassurance that if Kristie and I are faithful, our love, joy, and eternal union will only be enhanced; and therefore dealing with Alzheimer's will merely be a small price for what we will receive and become.  I credit my progenitors for this perspective - which they developed and demonstrated through the tragedies in their lives.

The Hazards and Pitfalls of Lightning Fever

Episode 1 - Look Out

High on a Mountain Top

I write this with some trepidation because it is so personal, but do so in the hope that others may benefit and avoid the hazards and pitfalls of lightning fever.  Let me start by saying the LDS hymn "High on a Mountain Top" has special significance for my wife (Kristie) and me because we began our married life living in a 13 x 13 foot fire lookout tower that was 30 feet up in the air on top of Fall Mt. in the Malheur National Forest of Eastern Oregon.  As you can imagine, a U.S. Forest Service lookout is a rather ideal and romantic location for newlyweds.

This was my fifth summer working on a lookout and without question was the best job I have ever had.  Spotting forest fires is a very competitive business.  You are paid to quickly and accurately report all fires so they may be extinguished before spreading and causing major damage.  The last thing you want to happen is for another lookout to report a fire in your area.  It is extremely embarrassing when a lookout that is 25 to 30 miles away radios in to report a smoke that is less than 15 miles from your lookout. 

 

Fall Mt. Lookout

Using an Osborne Firefinder

I took a lot of pride in my work and even though Fall Mt. was located on one of the lower peaks, I reported more fires than any of the other eight lookouts on the Malheur National Forest during both of the two previous summers.  Each day I would review to make certain I knew my country (everything within 30 miles that I could see), practice the steps to report a fire, and make my observations for fires every 10 to 15 minutes.  I was excited to teach all of this to Kristie because I thought we could be twice as effective with two sets of eyes, and possibly cut in half the time required to fill out and report a fire.  

Life was really good.  Here I was gainfully employed, performing valuable service, and able to be with this remarkably beautiful woman who actually seemed to like me.  It was almost perfect - until the first lightning storm.

    

Kristie

 I realize now that our first thunder storm together on the lookout was very disconcerting for Kristie.  It wasn't, however, the lightning and booming thunder, or even all the sparks that were flying around the lookout when it was struck by lightning; but rather her husband's behavior that was so disturbing.  Prior to the storm she felt that she was the top priority in my life.  But my total obsession with finding fires for 4 or 5 hours to the exclusion of everything else, including her and her feelings was anything but reassuring to her of my love.  The worst of it was when I spotted the first fire and she did not respond in a split second to help me make out the report in record time.  I don't believe I was rude, but it was clear that I had a job to do and Kristie was only in the way.  To her, I was a man possessed who would sacrifice her to accomplish the task at hand.  Unfortunately, this would not be the only fire or thunder storm that summer where I would become manic and she felt abandon.  Kristie actually named the behavior.  She called it - lightning fever.  

Episode 2 - Chasing Money

Five years later we moved to Albany, Oregon, where I had been hired as a math/computer teacher.  The good news is they rarely have any lightning storms in the Willamette Valley, but the bad news was we were always running out of money.  To help make ends meet, Kristie began working a night shift at a cannery, and later found part-time work at a friend's fast food restaurant.

The early 1980's were the golden age for microcomputer programmers.  Small businesses were anxious to move their billing, inventory, payroll, mailings, and other processes to inexpensive microcomputers, but there were no pre-existing programs and spreadsheets weren't even available.  Soon I found myself in demand to write medical billing, school attendance, business inventory, and cooperative library development software.  So in addition to teaching full-time, I did computer consulting on the side; often starting my day at school with a 6:45 a.m. zero period and teaching every period until noon, then coming home to get a lunch that I would eat as I drove to Salem to do computer consulting until 9:30 or 10 p.m. in the evening.  It didn't help that I also had to take graduate courses to maintain my teaching certification and was serving as the Elders Quorum president in our LDS ward, which also kept me busy, particularly on weekends.

I thought the best thing that I could do for Kristie and our daughters was to improve our financial situation so we weren't constantly broke; and to save Kristie from having to do menial work.  I was actually quite successful as a computer consultant and thought we were finally getting somewhere; but I was gone so much and so carried away with success that I was only slightly aware of Kristie's growing depression.  I didn't realize at the time that more than wealth what she really wanted and needed was me and my attention; because I was chasing money.

Episode 3 - The First Apparition - The Voices of Other Women 

Our old hysteric house on July 4th

It is easy to get caught in the strong currents and undertows of life.  I was carried away with the success of being a school district administrator, computer consultant, and serving 10 to 15 hours a week in an LDS bishopric.  (The LDS church has a lay ministry so members of a bishopric, in additional to their regular employment, are the unpaid ministers for a congregation of approximately 500-600 .)  And just to make life a bit more interesting, Kristie and I had jointly purchased an old historic house which we shared with Kristie's parents in an effort to provide support for her father who was in the final stages of early onset Alzheimer's.  It really would have been more accurate to call our home an old hysteric house because of all the problems related to Alzheimer's and living in a multi-generational situation.

Kristie's parents

The effects of lightning fever, my chasing money, and sexual abuse as a child were washing over Kristie.  It became too much when her father in a demented fit attacked and threatened her life; so she began counseling.  She was carried away in a stream of anger that was directed at her parents, God, church, and her often absentee husband.  She had good cause to be angry with me because if lightning fever and chasing money were not enough, she now often found me supporting her mother's side when they were in a tug of war.   Our daughters considered Kristie's anger as an improvement over the lethargy of depression, but they were fortunate because her anger was not directed at them.

Kristie and her mother, Marjorie

I am taken aback in retrospect, considering how much we were struggling emotionally as a couple and family at the time, that I would be called to serve as an LDS bishop.  It really didn't make sense, but ultimately that calling may actually be one of the things that helped save our marriage.  As bishop, I spent many hours listening to the concerns and problems of others; particularly women who were extremely frustrated with their husbands who were often inconsiderate, condescending, and emotionally absent.  I remember distinctly thinking, "Oh, I wonder if that is what Kristie is feeling about me?"  Somehow I could hear from other woman who were talking about their husbands, what I couldn't hear from my own wife.  I vowed that I would take steps so Kristie would never have cause to speak about me in the same manner as the distraught women in our congregation were speaking about their husbands.  It was almost like a ghost (similar to the Spirit of Christmas Past in Charles Dickens's "A Christmas Carol") was revealing to me in a new light how I had not valued the pearl of great price in my own life - Kristie.

Episode 4 - The Second Apparition - The Legion Blessing

Kristie was crushed emotionally in the summer of 1990 when the police pulled her over and issued a ticket because the pickup license had expired a day and a half before.  It didn't help that she was driving with an expired drivers license.  In the despair that would follow, she requested a blessing - during which I felt or experienced some of the overwhelming depression and hopelessness with which she was struggling.  I distinctly remember feeling incredible darkness and that there were legions working to oppose Kristie's happiness and thwart any feelings of hope.  I am not certain my blessing was inspirational to Kristie, but it was very revealing to me.  Now I had some understanding, empathy, and compassion for her suffering.  I knew she really was doing the best she could, and her overwhelming despondency was real.

Episode 5 - The Third Apparition - Messages in the Night

The emotional cost and strain under which we were laboring while helping care for Kristie's father and while I was bishop were immense.  I remember many sleepless nights.  It was during one of those wakeful nights, shortly after being called as bishop that I recall distinctly receiving the impression that I could do this because "my mother had groomed me to be a bishop."  I redoubled my efforts as bishop and gave it my all.  It was like lightning fever all over again.

It was a couple years later, after experiencing the first two apparitions above, that the final and most significant transpired.  Again, in the middle of the night while being unable to sleep and wrestling with discouragement, I was reflecting on the impression that my mother (who passed away the year before) had groomed me to be a bishop.  But this time it was different and stronger, like my mother was actually there to correct me.  "I didn't groom you to be a bishop.  I groomed you to shepherd your family back to the Celestial Kingdom."  It wasn't just a feeling.  It came in complete sentences, in those very words.  It may seem like a small thing, but the power of that communication cannot be under estimated in changing my attitude and commitment toward my wife and daughters.  I may be a very slow learner, but my ability to achieve is fairly good when I understand the priorities and direction to go.  I needed to focus on Kristie independent of the other storms and any lightning that may be striking, no matter how close by.

Episode 6 - Leaving the Ninety and Nine

Shortly after the incident above, there came an opportunity to test my understanding and priorities.  Kristie awoke early on a Sunday morning feeling very despondent.  We talked and I listened to her concerns for an hour and a half, but it didn't seem to help alleviate her anxiety.  I remember asking how I could help her.  Kristie said she wanted time with me.  I had a full day of Sunday meetings and appointments already scheduled, dealing with the concerns and business of our LDS ward, but this time it was different.  I realized that there would always be fires, lightning, and critical matters requiring my attention; but they should be secondary to my wife.  I called my counselor in the bishopric and explained that something had come up in our family and I would not be able to attend church; and would he please take charge and excuse my absence.

In the Columbia Gorge years later

I asked Kristie what she wanted to do and then offered some suggestions.  She choose to go to the Columbia Gorge.  I believe our daughters were the most surprised when I told them we would not be going to church today and they should get ready for a family day trip.  While I took my calling as bishop very seriously, I believe the Lord will forgive me for focusing on the needs of my helpmate.  At least now Kristie knew that she was my priority, and more importantly, so did I.

 

Epilog - The Alzheimer's Window

Dealing with Alzheimer's

I cannot say that Kristie's outlook or that everything in our relationship changed immediately, but slowly and surely the bond and trust between us grew.  This proved to be a great blessing, particularly when early onset Alzheimer's would rear its ugly head more than a decade later.  By that time, however, Kristie knew she could trust me and that I would always place her well-being first.

One of the unique things about Alzheimer's is how a trusted spouse becomes the afflicted person's window to the world as they are no longer able to navigate through life.  I marvel at how trusting Kristie has been of me as her Alzheimer's progressed.  I often wonder if I am as trusting of the Lord as she is with me.

Hopefully, I have learned that while it is important to be task oriented and get ahead in the world, the building and maintenance of key, eternal relationships are of far greater importance.  It's a hard lesson to learn, and was among the last things the Savior taught his Apostles as he challenged Peter to choose between his career fishing and being an Apostle with, "lovest thou me more than these?" (John 21:15)