Only by Persuasion and Love Unfeigned

 

It is horrible to observe a father and teenage son fighting it out, in a no-holds-barred contest just to determine who is the boss. Sadly, I have witnessed this ugly scene in other families as a father and son duke it out; and believe me, no one is the winner, no matter who comes out on top.

My father was a very strong and physically fit man, and even though he was in his early sixties when I was a senior in high school I remember he could still walk on his hands. My respect for Lorin Goates, however, was not based on fear or a concern about him physically forcing or over-powering me. That was not his style or who he was. I have often reflected on our father-son interactions during the week of my graduation from high school in June of 1965. It is amazing how stupid kids can be around the time they graduate from high school. I remember going to parties and driving around with five of my friends witnessing classmates passed out from drinking and others in remarkably stupid, embarrassing situations. For three night in a row, I didn't get home until about 2 a.m., and as you can imagine my parents were worried and angry. The third night, shortly after I fell into my bed in the basement, my father knocked on my door and said we needed to talk. What impresses me fifty year later was the fact that dad never threatened me, he simply talked about how it wasn't good or safe to be out that late at night and it needed to stop. He talked about how he and mother worried about me, and they weren't able to sleep which made it very difficult for them to function during the day because of their concern for me. There were lots of pauses in what father said to me. I know he was looking for words and trying to find a way to impress upon my mind the stupidity of my actions and it could only lead to trouble. All I wanted to do was go to sleep and I remember saying "okay", and then he was gone. I have often reflected on the fact that father never threatened me and that he may have felt like he was somehow failing, and I wasn't respecting him or the family expectations/rules. Dad's concern, patience, and attempts to reason with me at 2 a.m. that night have come to represent for me the concepts taught in Doctrine and Covenants 121:41, "No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned". I cannot adequately express my respect for Lorin Goates and the powerful example and influence for good he has been for me because of how he exercised his priesthood.

A Spiritually Directed, But Fearful Encounter

Sunday, November 11, 2018 - I had already attended 5 hours of bishopric, ward council, and Grand Valley block meetings prior to joining the Grand Rapids Ward sacrament meeting, sitting down by a very large, disheveled down-and-out male of mix racial background. While trying to listen to the speaker, he asked me if he had an offensive odor. Yes, I could smell tobacco smoke, but it wasn’t particularly strong and could have been from whatever environment he was living in. When he left the meeting about 10 minutes later, I followed him out, knowing he was feeling isolated, because he was just too scary for members to welcome. His name was M****** M*****.

I engaged him in conversation and then took him into the Family History Center where we could talk. He was waiting to speak with Bishop Birkinsha in the Grand Valley Ward, and I asked the dangerous question that I was feeling, “How can I help you?” Well, he needed a place to stay - and I invited him to stay with me for the night. The question was whether I was being stupid or truly inspired to reach out as a good Samaritan. We went back to attend Elder’s Quorum, and he really participated in the discussion about mental illness. Then we spoke with Bishop Birkinsha (who was concerned about the risk I was assuming) but I felt some compulsion or direction to extend myself. We got home and I offered him anything that I had to eat as I quickly made a peanut butter sandwich, and then hurried to see Kristie before going to my high council meetings. Three hours later I returned, washed his clothes, prepared some food for us to eat, and talked until 10 p.m. and we retired for the night.

I was off early to help with Kristie, setup for Adult Home Evening, and take care of my Ford Fusion airbag recall before returning about 11 a.m. (after inviting him to sleep on my bed). The strange part came when I then called a supply company about returning the knee braces that were sent instead of wipes for Kristie. When they said just keep or throw away the knee braces – he was overcome with emotion and began to cry because he had lost his cane and his knees were bothering him terribly. They fit him perfectly and were an answer to prayers. He was overjoyed! It was a tender mercy showing that God was aware of, and loved him.

I paid $60 for his monthly phone and $165 for a motel room (Bishop Birkinsha reimbursed me for the motel) where he had stayed previously. Miraculously, they had a copy of his ID which he had lost and were able to make him a copy. They would have destroyed that record the next day.  It was no small miracle and another tender mercy of the Lord's love! 

It was very unnerving when I received a text from Bishop Birkinsha about him having a restraining order to not attend church in the Chicago area. But I somehow felt inspired that this outreach was something I had to do. God wanted me to do it. It will be interesting to see why and what was going on in the next life. My question at the time was, what incumbrance have I taken on and would he take advantage of me? I helped him get into another motel room a couple days later, make some financial arrangements (which he was only able to do because he miraculously had a copy of his ID!), and then it was over and I have not heard from him since.

I do not know the full meaning of this experience, other than I felt it was what the Lord wanted me to do. It didn’t help finding out that he was no longer welcome at the Mel Trotter homeless shelter in Grand Rapids because of a ruckus he caused there. I am aware that I put myself in jeopardy and understand better the risks and dangers of being a good Samaritan – but I also knew that no one else could or would help him because he was just so scary.

Feeling Joy Despite the Turbulence

During the 2019 April General Conference, President Russell M. Nelson promised that if we more intentionally hear, hearken, and heed what the Savior has said and is saying through His prophets today that, "You will be blessed with additional power to deal with temptation, struggles, and weakness. I promise miracles in your marriage, family relationships, and daily work. And I promise that your capacity to feel joy will increase even if turbulence increases in your life.”

A little more than a month before President Nelson made this promise, I was in a steam room at a health gymnasium when a gentleman found out I was from Oregon and asked me what brought me to Michigan.  I replied “Alzheimer’s” and then explained how we moved here to live with our daughter and her family to better take care of my wife, who was in memory care at the that time. 

It turns out he had a mother who was in memory care, and he then made a statement that shocked me.  He said, “Oh, you must be paying between $6,000 and $7,000 a month for memory care.  I understand why you would be bitter and angry.”

His statement really stunned me - both by how right and how wrong he was.  I told him, “I am amazed because you understanding exactly how costly memory care is”, (which most people underestimate), “but you are wrong because I am not bitter and angry."  I then told him anyone who grows up in a good family, has their health, and gets a good education is very blessed and privileged.”

As I thought about what he said, I realized that I wasn’t bitter and angry because my regular routine of:

1. Reading the scriptures every day.
2. Listening to General Conference as I would walk to take care of my wife and help feed her every morning.
3. Working on family history and attending the temple each month.
4. Actively ministering and serving others who often had incredible challenges and less resources than me.
5. Associating with wonderful members of the Church.
6. And feeling the spirit speak to me, especially when I was helping others.

All these things had help me so my capacity to feel joy was not diminished, even though my circumstances were anything but desirable.  It was an exact fulfillment of what President Nelson promised, and I was able to feel joy in spite of the turbulence in my life.

More powerful, however, was an experience I had later that summer.  Again, most days I would listen to General Conference or music as I would walk to feed Kristie breakfast in the morning or when I returned to help get her ready and into bed at night.  While walking to care for Kristie, I was struck with the thought that she was among the most meek on the earth because at that time she had not been able to ask for, or reach for, a drink of water for over 4 years.  I then remembered what the Savior said, “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.”  While pondering the Savior’s statement, I had the strong spiritual impression that because of what she has suffered, Kristie would be forgiven of all her sins, and she would inherit Eternal Life.  It was an overwhelming feeling and strong assurance that confirmed to my soul the truthfulness of what I was feeling.

This impression came over me while I was listening to a song called "Bargain" by the British rock group The Who.  As I felt the spirit bearing witness of what I was feeling and how the Lord would consecrate Kristie’s affliction for her gain - I heard the words from the song saying, “I call that a bargain, the best I ever had - the best I ever had.”

It is strange how this unique, spiritual experience has put Alzheimer's into an entirely new light or perspective for me.  While I would not wish Alzheimer’s on anyone, the idea that one might qualify for Eternal Life because of suffering through it, really does put things in a new light.  If Eternal Life, and joy and happiness for the eternities is the outcome, then Alzheimer's really is a bargain - the best I ever had, absolutely the best.

It was another and more convincing witness of what President Nelson had promised, "that if we more intentionally hear, hearken, and heed what the Savior has said and is saying through His prophets today that, "You will be blessed with additional power to deal with temptation, struggles, and weakness. I promise miracles in your marriage, family relationships, and daily work. And I promise that your capacity to feel joy will increase even if turbulence increases in your life.”

Spiritually Defining Memories from My Book of Life

In the April 2020 General Conference, Elder Neil L Andersen taught, “The spiritually defining memories from our book of life are like luminous stones that help brighten the road ahead, assuring us that God knows us, loves us, and has sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to help us return home. … Embrace your sacred memories. Believe them. Write them down. Share them with your family. Trust that they come to you from your Heavenly Father and His Beloved Son. Let them bring patience to your doubts and understanding to your difficulties.” 

Reflecting on this counsel, I felt prompted to post the following two spiritually defining memories which occurred in 1968 while I was a missionary in Iowa:

Communicating Without Talking

The last Saturday of January 1968 we drove up to Waterloo for me to interview a married couple for baptism. Elder Reeves told me Brother Johnson wanted to be baptized, but his wife wasn't sure. Elder Reeves then said Sister Johnson really was ready even if she didn't think she was and that I was to interview and commit her for baptism. I was not comfortable with his expectations and told him that was not the way it worked for a baptismal interview. I interviewed the husband and it was very evident he was prepared and committed. The wife really didn't want to talk with me and said she wasn't going to be baptized yet, but Elder Reeves insisted that she talk with me.

I told Sister Johnson that we could fill out the baptismal recommend so it would be ready if she were baptized very soon. She had lots of doubts and questions which were troubling her and which we began to discuss. We would talk and then there would be silence as we thought and the spirit worked. I shared scriptures and bore my testimony. The spirit gave me power to know Sister Johnson's thoughts and it was almost like she could feel or read my thoughts. It seemed that we were able to communicate without speaking. I could sense in my mind what her questions or objections were, and without using words I was able to convey my thoughts to help answer her questions. Finally, I sensed that she was ready and willing to be baptized and, in my mind, I asked her if she was sure. She then said vocally, "Yes, I will be baptized tomorrow." We then verbally went back through the baptismal questions.

Elder Reeves asked after the interview what we talked about. He said he was trying to listen, but part way through the interview he could not hear what was going on. That is because a very significant portion of our communication was not done verbally. I wish I could talk with Sister Johnson to get her recollection of what took place and confirm if what she remembers corresponds with what I have related. From this experience I have come to know that there is a process by which intelligence can flow between two people without actually talking. I have experienced it.

A few weeks after this, Elder Osborne asked me to interview Jim and Patty Turner, a young couple who he said were ready for baptism, even though they may not feel they were ready. After my experience with Sister Johnson, I was confident and thought I knew exactly how this would turn out. All I had to do was go visit with them and let the spirit do its work. Well, of course it didn't work that way. The Turner's were very nice, but not quite ready. Fortunately, they were ready and baptized about a month later.

What was interesting about this was how the spirit took over when I did not feel confident, but left me to myself when I thought I knew how to control it. No doubt the faith of those being interviewed was as important, if not even more important than mine; but I am humbled to know what the spirit can do and that it is not something which I control by myself.

An Acceptable Offering and Knowing God's Love

We really worked hard as missionaries in Iowa. I can say that personally, and also for other missionaries in our zone. They changed our preparation day on Mondays, asking us to try to do our shopping, laundry, letter writing, and anything else we wanted to do before 1 p.m., and then we were to begin our missionary work again. I know we put in many weeks with more than 80 hours of missionary work, actually proselyting and being outside our apartments trying to preach the gospel. I remember the Elders in Davenport talking with a member who said her son in South America has been asked to increase their proselyting time to 55 hours a week and he didn't know how they were going to be able to do it. The mother then asked the Elders how many hours they put in doing missionary work each week. Elder Ashby turned to his companion and said, "Didn't we have 76 hours last week?" Of course, with the siesta time it would be more difficult to proselyte all day in the Latin American countries, but I would not be surprised if our weekly hours of missionary work were among the very highest anywhere. It was also about this time that Sister Henderson, our mission president's wife had health problems and had to return home. During this period the full-time missionaries in eastern Iowa did not have any contact with our mission president for six months, yet we all continued to work hard.

We had some success, but the first seven months in Cedar Rapids were the longest period that I went without having more than one baptism, and it wasn't because I wasn't trying with all my might. It started to wear on me in March. Here I was the leader and most of the other missionaries in our zone were having more success than me. I started to become discouraged over my lack of success. We would try to go out on splits, Elder Deppe with one member and me with another, once or twice a week so we could teach more discussions. One evening while on splits I got back to our apartment some time before Elder Deppe and so I knelt down and poured out my heart to God. I remember telling Him of how hard we had been working and asking why we were not having success. I shed tears as I spoke to God trying to communicate my disheartened feelings because we were doing the very best we could and did not understand why our efforts were not bearing fruit. While expressing my confusion and vexations, I was over powered by a feeling that God really knew and loved me, and that my offering was acceptable to Him. Here I was all alone in a basement apartment, but just knowing that God was aware of me, actually loved me as a son, and was pleased with our efforts made all the difference. The contrast between the anguish and despair I had been experiencing for weeks, and the comfort, reassurance, and love which replaced those emotions was almost unbelievable.

Certainly, the witness I received during the first part of mission that Nephi was a real person and the Book of Mormon was true changed everything for me as to how I felt about the gospel and the Church, but I believe this was the most powerful spiritual experience of my mission. I felt the love of God for me, personally and deeply. Every child of God should experience such feelings to understand our worth in God's eyes.

Wonderful Lives or People?

So often in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we tell faith promoting stories of how the Lord has intervened to protect, bless, and eliminate the obstacles and tragedies for those who are faithful, obedient, and trust the Lord.  I have promoted such stories in this very blog – and the idea that if someone is really, really good, nothing bad will happen to them.  Even now, I witness that Mosiah 24:14 is bona fide, and that God has eased the memory-care financial burden which is upon my back to a degree that I do not understand, because of obedience to the law of tithing.

But what about those times when the Lord does not intervene, protect, eliminate, or make a way in the midst of calamity?  Like when Zacharias, the father of John the Baptist, was killed by the soldiers of wicked King Herod, because Zacharias refused to reveal where Elizabeth and John were hiding.

Our family history is replete with similar tragic stories, such as:

• Joseph Goates dying and leaving Clara to make her way in the world with four children, ages nine and under.
• Clara Goates dying in the Spanish influenza epidemic leaving her four teenage children as orphans.
• Art and “D” McAllister losing the family farm during the Great Depression.
• David Evans experiencing the massacre at Haun’s Mill.

There are many, many similar stories both in the scriptures and our family history.  Stories of abuse to innocent children, or devastating heath issues which have taken family members or rendered them incapacitated for life, or financial disasters.  From an earthly perspective it can make one question and wonder whether our Heavenly Father is loving, able, and willing to protect and bless us?

One of the great blessings my mother bequeathed to me was spiritual glasses, which allows one to look through the lens of faith to see, as it were, in the dark and perceive things which were previously undetected.  Using these “faith-enhanced, eternal perspective spectacles”, while learning about and reflecting on my ancestor’s lives, I have come to see that while their lives may not have always been wonderful, those who trusted the Lord and remained faithful despite tragedies and terrible misfortunes, they turned out to be wonderful; and this is God’s purpose.  Ultimately, earth life is not about everything going our way and having wonderful lives, but rather about us becoming wonderful people – because in eternity, wonderful people do have wonderful lives.  If fact, the lives of wonderful people hereafter are beyond anything we can comprehend as stated in 1Corinthians 2:9.

So, what is the lesson?  Just because you are good, does not mean bad things will not happen to you and deprive you of what we consider to be a wonderful life.  But that is not why God created and sent us to earth – so we could enjoy a wonderful life of ease.  Our purpose, or more accurately, God’s object is that we become wonderful by continuing to trust and be obedient to Him, and love our fellowman.  This outcome is actually enhanced and becomes more evident when our lives are not wonderful and we remained faithful and centered on Jesus Christ.

My Testimony

Divine Purpose Amid Chaos

Hill Cumorah Monument

Standing on the Hill Cumorah I was dumbfounded thinking about the monumental and long-prophesied events of the restoration which occurred amid such unsettling and precarious events for those involved.  

Was not this the fulfillment of what Daniel saw in vision - that the gospel shall be as a stone cut out of the mountain without hands to roll forth and fill the whole earth?   Did not Isaiah, Nephi, and even the Savior himself, all foretell of this "marvelous work and a wonder" - which is an apt description for the appearance of God the Father and the Son, ministering angels, gold plates, restoration of priesthood authority, and many other marvelous revelations and manifestations?

So if all of this was prefigured and heralded hundreds of years before hand, why did it appear to come about under conditions which seem to deny divine intervention or any allusion that heaven was smiling down on the principle actors?  Joseph and Emma lost their first born son shortly after the translation of the first 116 pages of the Plates of Mormon.  The Smith family lost their farm during this time, prior to the Book of Mormon being published.  Joseph and Emma had a falling out with Emma's family and had to take shelter with the Whitmers whom they had never met.  It was with great difficulty that a publisher was finally found to publish the Book of Mormon, and Martin Harris lost his farm in the deal.

While the hand of the Lord can be seen, it would be a vast understatement to say that divine providence was definitely not manifest in a manner that removed all obstacles, worries, and inconveniences.  The much heralded restoration came about while those involved struggled economically and in most other areas of their lives.  It is strikingly reminiscent of the difficulties and inconveniences spoken of in the New Testament of a taxing journey while in the final stages of pregnancy, being required to give birth in a stable, and then having to flee for refuge to a foreign land. To Mary and Joseph it seemed like everything that could go wrong, went wrong. They had no one - no family, no friends, no one to assist them. Yet the star appeared the very night the Christ child was born. Think about that - how many centuries before had that star been placed in orbit to appear precisely the very night as prophesied! 

This is all to say that the most anticipated and divine events to ever transpire on earth appear to happen amid great turmoil; and particularly so for those involved.  It must have been very confusing to be part of something so marvelous and of divine importance, while their own lives seemed so unpredictable, frenzied, and even tragic.  Nevertheless, it is very evident that the divine purposes of God are fulfilled among incredible chaos and the thorny vicissitudes of life.

If this is the case for those most important and well prophesied earthly events, is there a possibility that something similar may occur in our own insignificant, convoluted, and muddled lives?  Could the turmoil and confusion caused by such things as: the death of a parent in the Spanish Influenza epidemic, loss of a farm during the great depression, a disabling stroke and related business loss, or even sexual abuse or Alzheimer's (to identify only a few of the unsettling and upsetting experiences of our family in the last hundred years); as well as minor inconveniences and unplanned detours, actually work to accomplish God's purpose in our own lives?

It appears naive to assume or believe if one is righteous that nothing bad will happen, or that the Lord will intervene in every situation so the righteous do not suffer. The divine pre-existence decree, "And we will prove them herewith, to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them" [Abraham 3:25] seems to indicate we will be tested in multifarious ways whether we are obedient and trusting of the Lord or not.


Therefore we should not be surprised or confused in the middle of the confusion.  We have ample evidence as indicated above that the Lord's purposes are brought about and accomplished amid what appears to be chaos, even in our own unassuming, topsy-turvey lives.

The Law of Compensation

My father introduced me to the eternal law or principle of compensation during my senior year at BYU.  Prior to Thanksgiving I broke up with someone I had been dating very seriously and so while home during the holiday, I requested a father's blessing for guidance and direction.

Part way through the blessing, however, I began to wonder why and questioned the wisdom of my even asking for a blessing when father said very slowly and in a halting manner something to the effect that "marriage can be difficult, discouraging, and depressing."  This was not very encouraging and certainly not the blessing or inspiration I was hoping to receive.

Then after a long pause, father continued, "but it will not be one-hundredth the joy in eternity for those who are faithful to their eternal covenants."  While I do not remember much else about the blessing, the ratio of hundred to one really stuck.  

A couple years later and after I was married, I reminded father of this blessing and while I agreed that marriage could bring more happiness than disappointment, I questioned him whether he might have exaggerated or resorted to hyperbole when he foretold the ratio of joy hereafter to sorrow in this life could be 100 to 1.  Father, however, did not back down or minimize in anyway what he had said in the blessing.  In fact, he seemed even more resolute or sure of the principle and the proportion.

Later I would find this same ratio (and even "more") in the Doctrine and Covenants, “And he who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious; and the things of this earth shall be added unto him, even an hundred fold, yea, more.” (D&C 78:19.) 

Thirty-six years after my father's blessing, Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin explained in the 2008 October General Conference that, "If we approach adversities wisely, our hardest times can be times of greatest growth, which in turn can lead toward times of greatest happiness."  He then shared principles to help us get through times of testing and trial, including - "The third thing we can do is understand the principle of compensation. The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."

The Savior Himself confirmed this over abundant return in the eternities when he told his disciples, “And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name’s sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life” (Matt. 19:29).

A knowledge of and appreciation for this principle of compensation is invaluable, particularly when overwhelmed with pain, suffering, and despondency.  It saved me from a severe bout of depression - the kind where you are not able to sleep at night and are constantly flooded with crushing feelings of despair and foreboding with no end of the suffering in sight.  After three miserable days and nights, and while feeling great emotional pain, I thought upon this principle and then heard the spirit speak to me, "Oh, He (the Lord) wants to bless to you"

I knew immediately that this message was referring to the agony I was experiencing and that by the law of compensation at some point my joy could be 100 times greater than my anguish if I would but trust and obey the Lord.  Almost instantaneously with this realization I felt myself being surrounded by a protective bubble of faith and my misery and despondency were supplanted by hope, strength, and light.   This remarkably rapid transformation caused me to marvel because I had worried and realized that I could not pull myself out of the overwhelming depression.  Just knowing that the God we worship is magnanimous and desires to bless us, can provide the inspiration and strength we need when tested to or beyond our limits. 
 
As Neal A. Maxwell observed, "How can you and I really expect to glide naively through life, as if to say, 'Lord, give me experience, but not grief, not sorrow, not pain, not opposition, not betrayal, and certainly not to be forsaken. Keep from me, Lord, all those experiences which made Thee what Thou art!. Then, let me come and dwell with Thee and fully share Thy joy!'"[1]
 

I am grateful for the law of compensation and appreciate it most when hurting or suffering with pain.  I know that some day it will be more than worth it all, and "through God’s compassion, kindness, and love, we will all receive more than we deserve, more than we can ever earn, and more than we can ever hope for"[2] - even an hundred fold, yea, more!

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[1] Neal A. Maxwell, "Lest Ye Be Wearied and Faint in Your Minds", Ensign, May 1991.

[2] Dale G. Renlund, "That I Might Draw All Men Unto Me", April 2016 General Conference