Only by Persuasion and Love Unfeigned

 

It is horrible to observe a father and teenage son fighting it out, in a no-holds-barred contest just to determine who is the boss. Sadly, I have witnessed this ugly scene in other families as a father and son duke it out; and believe me, no one is the winner, no matter who comes out on top.

My father was a very strong and physically fit man, and even though he was in his early sixties when I was a senior in high school I remember he could still walk on his hands. My respect for Lorin Goates, however, was not based on fear or a concern about him physically forcing or over-powering me. That was not his style or who he was. I have often reflected on our father-son interactions during the week of my graduation from high school in June of 1965. It is amazing how stupid kids can be around the time they graduate from high school. I remember going to parties and driving around with five of my friends witnessing classmates passed out from drinking and others in remarkably stupid, embarrassing situations. For three night in a row, I didn't get home until about 2 a.m., and as you can imagine my parents were worried and angry. The third night, shortly after I fell into my bed in the basement, my father knocked on my door and said we needed to talk. What impresses me fifty year later was the fact that dad never threatened me, he simply talked about how it wasn't good or safe to be out that late at night and it needed to stop. He talked about how he and mother worried about me, and they weren't able to sleep which made it very difficult for them to function during the day because of their concern for me. There were lots of pauses in what father said to me. I know he was looking for words and trying to find a way to impress upon my mind the stupidity of my actions and it could only lead to trouble. All I wanted to do was go to sleep and I remember saying "okay", and then he was gone. I have often reflected on the fact that father never threatened me and that he may have felt like he was somehow failing, and I wasn't respecting him or the family expectations/rules. Dad's concern, patience, and attempts to reason with me at 2 a.m. that night have come to represent for me the concepts taught in Doctrine and Covenants 121:41, "No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned". I cannot adequately express my respect for Lorin Goates and the powerful example and influence for good he has been for me because of how he exercised his priesthood.

A Spiritually Directed, But Fearful Encounter

Sunday, November 11, 2018 - I had already attended 5 hours of bishopric, ward council, and Grand Valley block meetings prior to joining the Grand Rapids Ward sacrament meeting, sitting down by a very large, disheveled down-and-out male of mix racial background. While trying to listen to the speaker, he asked me if he had an offensive odor. Yes, I could smell tobacco smoke, but it wasn’t particularly strong and could have been from whatever environment he was living in. When he left the meeting about 10 minutes later, I followed him out, knowing he was feeling isolated, because he was just too scary for members to welcome. His name was M****** M*****.

I engaged him in conversation and then took him into the Family History Center where we could talk. He was waiting to speak with Bishop Birkinsha in the Grand Valley Ward, and I asked the dangerous question that I was feeling, “How can I help you?” Well, he needed a place to stay - and I invited him to stay with me for the night. The question was whether I was being stupid or truly inspired to reach out as a good Samaritan. We went back to attend Elder’s Quorum, and he really participated in the discussion about mental illness. Then we spoke with Bishop Birkinsha (who was concerned about the risk I was assuming) but I felt some compulsion or direction to extend myself. We got home and I offered him anything that I had to eat as I quickly made a peanut butter sandwich, and then hurried to see Kristie before going to my high council meetings. Three hours later I returned, washed his clothes, prepared some food for us to eat, and talked until 10 p.m. and we retired for the night.

I was off early to help with Kristie, setup for Adult Home Evening, and take care of my Ford Fusion airbag recall before returning about 11 a.m. (after inviting him to sleep on my bed). The strange part came when I then called a supply company about returning the knee braces that were sent instead of wipes for Kristie. When they said just keep or throw away the knee braces – he was overcome with emotion and began to cry because he had lost his cane and his knees were bothering him terribly. They fit him perfectly and were an answer to prayers. He was overjoyed! It was a tender mercy showing that God was aware of, and loved him.

I paid $60 for his monthly phone and $165 for a motel room (Bishop Birkinsha reimbursed me for the motel) where he had stayed previously. Miraculously, they had a copy of his ID which he had lost and were able to make him a copy. They would have destroyed that record the next day.  It was no small miracle and another tender mercy of the Lord's love! 

It was very unnerving when I received a text from Bishop Birkinsha about him having a restraining order to not attend church in the Chicago area. But I somehow felt inspired that this outreach was something I had to do. God wanted me to do it. It will be interesting to see why and what was going on in the next life. My question at the time was, what incumbrance have I taken on and would he take advantage of me? I helped him get into another motel room a couple days later, make some financial arrangements (which he was only able to do because he miraculously had a copy of his ID!), and then it was over and I have not heard from him since.

I do not know the full meaning of this experience, other than I felt it was what the Lord wanted me to do. It didn’t help finding out that he was no longer welcome at the Mel Trotter homeless shelter in Grand Rapids because of a ruckus he caused there. I am aware that I put myself in jeopardy and understand better the risks and dangers of being a good Samaritan – but I also knew that no one else could or would help him because he was just so scary.

Feeling Joy Despite the Turbulence

During the 2019 April General Conference, President Russell M. Nelson promised that if we more intentionally hear, hearken, and heed what the Savior has said and is saying through His prophets today that, "You will be blessed with additional power to deal with temptation, struggles, and weakness. I promise miracles in your marriage, family relationships, and daily work. And I promise that your capacity to feel joy will increase even if turbulence increases in your life.”

A little more than a month before President Nelson made this promise, I was in a steam room at a health gymnasium when a gentleman found out I was from Oregon and asked me what brought me to Michigan.  I replied “Alzheimer’s” and then explained how we moved here to live with our daughter and her family to better take care of my wife, who was in memory care at the that time. 

It turns out he had a mother who was in memory care, and he then made a statement that shocked me.  He said, “Oh, you must be paying between $6,000 and $7,000 a month for memory care.  I understand why you would be bitter and angry.”

His statement really stunned me - both by how right and how wrong he was.  I told him, “I am amazed because you understanding exactly how costly memory care is”, (which most people underestimate), “but you are wrong because I am not bitter and angry."  I then told him anyone who grows up in a good family, has their health, and gets a good education is very blessed and privileged.”

As I thought about what he said, I realized that I wasn’t bitter and angry because my regular routine of:

1. Reading the scriptures every day.
2. Listening to General Conference as I would walk to take care of my wife and help feed her every morning.
3. Working on family history and attending the temple each month.
4. Actively ministering and serving others who often had incredible challenges and less resources than me.
5. Associating with wonderful members of the Church.
6. And feeling the spirit speak to me, especially when I was helping others.

All these things had help me so my capacity to feel joy was not diminished, even though my circumstances were anything but desirable.  It was an exact fulfillment of what President Nelson promised, and I was able to feel joy in spite of the turbulence in my life.

More powerful, however, was an experience I had later that summer.  Again, most days I would listen to General Conference or music as I would walk to feed Kristie breakfast in the morning or when I returned to help get her ready and into bed at night.  While walking to care for Kristie, I was struck with the thought that she was among the most meek on the earth because at that time she had not been able to ask for, or reach for, a drink of water for over 4 years.  I then remembered what the Savior said, “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.”  While pondering the Savior’s statement, I had the strong spiritual impression that because of what she has suffered, Kristie would be forgiven of all her sins, and she would inherit Eternal Life.  It was an overwhelming feeling and strong assurance that confirmed to my soul the truthfulness of what I was feeling.

This impression came over me while I was listening to a song called "Bargain" by the British rock group The Who.  As I felt the spirit bearing witness of what I was feeling and how the Lord would consecrate Kristie’s affliction for her gain - I heard the words from the song saying, “I call that a bargain, the best I ever had - the best I ever had.”

It is strange how this unique, spiritual experience has put Alzheimer's into an entirely new light or perspective for me.  While I would not wish Alzheimer’s on anyone, the idea that one might qualify for Eternal Life because of suffering through it, really does put things in a new light.  If Eternal Life, and joy and happiness for the eternities is the outcome, then Alzheimer's really is a bargain - the best I ever had, absolutely the best.

It was another and more convincing witness of what President Nelson had promised, "that if we more intentionally hear, hearken, and heed what the Savior has said and is saying through His prophets today that, "You will be blessed with additional power to deal with temptation, struggles, and weakness. I promise miracles in your marriage, family relationships, and daily work. And I promise that your capacity to feel joy will increase even if turbulence increases in your life.”